Colorful Times » Relationships

Are Black Women Too Demanding of Men?

Jack Dee — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 15:47:48 +0000

Have you noticed how women have all these musts/must nots for men but get appalled if a man should have strong preferences? I don’t like wigs and weaves for instance but when I vocalise this I’m almost looked at as a Fascist. Yet the facts are:

I like skinny women

I like thick women

I like dark women

I like red women

I just don’t have any preconceived type of woman that I select above all others. Of course, I want a woman with the kind of mind and shared ideals that I can work with. But in my experience far too many women have unrealistic preconditions about the type or kind of men they’ll even consider dating. And still large numbers of these women claim either to be in bad relationships or are single and looking.

I was reading an article on Yahoo Lifestyle some time ago, and it was odd how the comments showed that many of the women felt they were in ‘fakelationships‘. But why, I found myself asking, are these articles always on the attack towards men? None of the so-called indicators of ‘fakelationships’ was actually negative in itself: “You haven’t met his parents; He doesn’t want to move in with you; He still goes out with his mates a lot,” etc. So what? But these articles tell women that there is not only an ideal person to be with, but an ideal place to be in a relationship – and if you are not there, you are incomplete and the man you are seeing is not worthy of you.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

It was around the same time as I’d got into a conversation with a group of black women on a train where they were listing their various demands of men and relationships. “I don’t wanna carry nobody,” and “if he’s unemployed he shouldn’t be getting into no relationship, anyway, he should be sorting himself out,” or “he can’t be wearing no earring, and no, no – no tattoos,” and “he’s got to know how to be a man and how to treat me like a lady” plus “if he ain’t got a degree, a car and a house by… then…” blah, blah, blah. Like the white woman who sat opposite me, I kept thinking, how sad. And I hear similar demands so often from women of colour, especially with the public musings on Facebook and elsewhere these days.

List 1 – Man must have…

List 2 – Man must not have…

It is sad. I watch women’s chat shows and read women’s magazines: the socialisation of women has made them more susceptible to the influence of these two factors. So many women don’t know how to break free from the shackled of perception and consumerism.

The woman who is struggling with self-esteem fills the void by buying stuff and more stuff – so products that are targeted at women buyers are constantly attacking and eroding their confidence.

The foundation needs to be built at home and in the community.

So women decide that a man must be/must not be: it’s a defence mechanism, the man is another commodity like a handbag or a pair of shoes so she thinks that she can define the characteristics that are desired in the man like any other object. If she cannot find the man that fits the bill, she can be justified in slagging off all men – no one reached the bar – so all are undeserving. What she does not know is that the bar does not exist and if it did, she has limited power in defining it.

The bar is a construction of the media that influences her.

Is like how older black people are the ones that old their bags tightest when I past them – because they believe what they see/read in the news. The media tells them that young black men (especially those with locks) are a danger to individuals and society and they believe it.

In the same way, women are told that they are too this and not enough that by people wanting to sell them products to correct those perceived imperfections – and they believe the advertising. The advertisers target their perception of men as well – the ideal man is described and women are told this is what you can do to get and keep that man. The fall out is that they wholeheartedly believe that this fictitious definition of manhood is manhood. She believes that she has created herself as the counterpart to this man. Since this man does not exist, she seeks continually for him and refuses to ‘lower her standards’ to accept any other man because that would negate the work she has done to ‘improve’ herself.

The question is – how can we heal our communities – both men and women? What’s the media antidote?

How do we heal our communities – men and women?

I believe the first step to healing must be actually having the nerve to talk about these things, openly and honestly, and without fear of retreating to entrenched positions. In that way, perhaps some of us may grow to love ourselves, and in so doing, maybe our women will realise that the “ideal man” is a mental construct that does not exist, and that they must open up their hearts to allow him to emerge in the best approximation that destiny has to offer.

Jack Dee

I've been an IT consultant for over 15 years. Strange to get paid for doing what you love. May be in danger of being called a geek... but who cares? I actually enjoy every opportunity to drive through the concepts, design, and creative framework on even personal web-based projects. My other passion is travel: 72 cities in 35 countries at the last count.

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Is Romantic Love a Myth of Western Cultures?

Paul Boakye — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:25:19 +0000

I was having a conversation recently with a well-connected Nigeria who provides extremely well for his wife and three children. Yet he and his wife had separate bedrooms and individual private lives.

With all the martial woes in modern life and rising divorce rates amongst celebrities, the rich and famous and ordinary mortals alike, this was for him the solution to a successful twenty-year marriage. And if one or the other felt like a little amorous ‘get-together’ one night, either he slipped into her boudoir or she came to him, before saying goodnight and returning to their respective bedrooms.

When others around us scoffed at the way he lives his life, he told them point-blankly that “the idea of romantic love is a myth that exist only in Western cultures, and only amongst the lower classes at that.” In fact, he and his wife were rather like the English aristocracy, he said. They married for companionship and for the production of well-adjusted heirs, and as he provides very well for her and the children, to whom he is a loving/caring father, the rest of his life is for him to do with what he wants.

This was no secret between them. His wife fully accepted the deal and they got on with their separate lives perfectly well—likewise the children—all of whom were over-achievers at expensive private schools and universities.

I could not find much at fault with this man’s argument. Of course, I had not met his wife, but from his own descriptions she sounded perfectly at ease with their arrangement.

His upfront point-of-view actually made me understand for once, the nature of the conflict between my own parents, who had been coming from completely different perspectives all of their married life. Even in my own relationships, I had been inclined to repeat similar patterns and mistakes. Or perhaps I’m more at ease with his POV because I am male.

What say you? Is the idea of romantic love and monogamy a myth of Western cultures and a set-up for certain failure from the start?

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Paul Boakye

Writer, editor and marketing specialist who sat on The Power Inquiry. Former editor and CEO of the consumer lifestyle magazine, Drum (UK), and author of five plays published for an academic audience by Alexander Street Press, USA. Recipient of business and writing awards, including prestigious accolades such as advising British government, BBC radio and TV commentator, and invitation to meet Queen Elizabeth II in 2007. Currently works as a communications professional, creating contagious ideas to help great brands change the conversation to their advantage, across the entire Central and West African region.

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What Makes A Woman Marriage Material?

Paul Boakye — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 13:09:04 +0000

If your best pal just shouted out, “a rich dad who owns a brewery,” then you’re probably sat in the pub right now reading this on your iPhone or iPad for a laugh.

But seriously, have you ever dated a girl you were crazy about but wished you could change that one little thing about her? What was it? Have you kicked yourself afterwards because your honey and you shared almost everything in common, yet you still broke up? So what is it you really need to look for in a woman in order to build a successful marriage when ‘Miss Right’ comes along?

The best way to find out if she’s marriage material is to ask yourself a few questions. There are five basic points that you’ll really need to look at before any relationship can progress towards something truly meaningful. Here they are:

Personality:
What’s her emotional makeup? This means her ‘psychological characteristics’, emotional states, styles and expressions. Her perspective on the world and her level of self-esteem can be the difference between a life of bliss and a living hell. Look at her confidence, what’s her understanding of intimacy, her ability to share, commit. Look for weaknesses, strengths, respect of self and others, level of vanity, attitude towards the things you find important in life. The list goes on…
Attraction:
Physical and sexual compatibility mean different things to different people. For some, it means the physical act itself, perhaps something kinky and wild, while for others romance and intimacy play an important part. A few traits to keep in mind when looking for a missus might be her level of interest in sex, romance, foreplay, love, sexual variations and assertiveness, monogamy, communication, risk taking, playfulness, awareness of STDs, and physical appearance.
Brains:
How a woman thinks about the world she inhabits and how she interacts day to day are important signs of long-term mutual compatibility. Some women are casual observers of life while others thrive on being aggressive personalities. You’ll want to check out how she expresses ideas, her level of education, sense of humour, goals, skills, hobbies, mistakes, conversation and learning styles, her interest and quickness of thought.
Goals:

Money matters affect everyone. How she handles money can tell you a lot about her and could make the difference between a comfortable life and an existence in poverty, so it’s important to be compatible in this area too. Pay attention to spending style, lifestyle, personal and professional goals, retirement plans, savings and ideas about money and debt in general.
Values:
To have spiritual values doesn’t necessarily mean religious orientation, but rather a basic belief system about life in general. A sense of self you might call it; a reason for living. It includes beliefs about ethics, the importance of family, stability, religion, for example, a purpose of life, optimism, an acceptance of others, integrity, honesty, responsibility and other similar social values.

Whenever you are interested in someone as a potential wife or long term partner, it’s important to know her views on each of the five components. The more areas of compatibility, the stronger the foundation of the relationship will be. People can have differences, but it adds strain to a relationship. Observe and communicate, and hopefully, you will be able to catch differences early on to avoid pain later. Of course, these five basic rules apply to anyone looking at a potential partner.

Paul Boakye

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