She’s Gotta Have It

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I lost my virginity at fourteen: didn’t realise back then that virginity is a thing that cannot be reclaimed. If I’d realised this simple truth at 14, perhaps the young Dani would have waited before entering into the world of sexual intimacy.

At the tender age of 14, I developed an unusual appetite for sex that did not cease until recently at 25. My friends tease me and often say I have the mentality of a man when it comes to sex. I even bet a male friend in college to see who could have the most sex in one week. The bet was not monetary, but simply laughs and bragging rights (I won). So, the thought of being celibate for money would have warranted a laugh and a kind ‘no thank you.’ There were not enough church services or communions to coax me out of premarital sex. There were not enough HIV commercials to scare me from fulfilling this sexual appetite; nor did the thought of pregnancy.

black female sex addict 300x200 Shes Gotta Have It

For years, I tried to examine the reasons this appetite grew so strongly in my belly. Could I attribute it to sexual abuse as a child or low self esteem? Perhaps I just wanted acceptance from men. Maybe I am a woman who is simply comfortable with her sexuality. The reasons resounded in my head over and over again for years. However, none of these reasons appeased me at the end of the day.

Eventually, I came to the reality that one cannot erase the past. One can, however, pave a clean path for the future. This led to futile attempts at being a ‘born again virgin’ with desires to abstain from sex and take on a ‘quasi’ state of celibacy. Each attempt failed miserably. Without effort I found myself right back where I started: entering into meaningless sexual relationships with man after man.

So, at 25, when a man I was dating approached me with being abstinent, I nearly lost my mind. Numerous thoughts ran across it. I thought perhaps he was homosexual. Then I thought perhaps he has HIV/AIDS. Maybe he just does not find me desirable. Besides, we were already involved in a sexual relationship. So why the sudden change? The request was suspect and I refused to let naivety get in the way, but I was in an awkward situation. Normally, I enter into sexual relationships with men for fear of losing them. However, this decision was reversed. I feared that if I did not abstain, no matter what his reasons, I would lose him. I knew that whatever the end result, I would learn much from this life lesson.

Today, I look on this experience as myself saving myself from myself. At first, the lack of sex had no effect on me. Between church, two jobs, and living a considerable distance from the man I was dating, the initial stages of celibacy were easy. Then as the days grew into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, my whole psyche began to break down. I came to the realisation that I was physically addicted to sex and suffering from withdrawal in the worst
way. I was frustrated with people and even more frustrated with this man for torturing me. Then I began to dig introspectively realising that there is more to interactions with men than sex, and that my self worth extends beyond how I please men sexually.

Abstaining from sex was short lived, however. I do admit, it was the longest that I have abstained from sexual intercourse and during that time I experienced the purest interaction with a man. I felt a greater sense of empowerment, no longer mentally enslaved by the act of sex. This experience has taught me that yes, I can abstain, and any future attempts at abstinence will no longer be a chore, but just a regular task.

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