Does being a full-time working mum really ‘save’ your sanity?

Rarely a day goes by when I am not asked whether I work full time. By answering “Of course.” You’d think that would settle the matter. However, it is inevitably followed by, “Why?”

“To preserve my sanity,” I reply. Although these days, I do wonder sometimes. How is it that I so often come out of a meeting with supposedly grown up professionals feeling like I should have put half of them in the naughty corner and half of them at the table with crayons and strict instructions only to draw on the paper? The mind boggles. Is working full-time really a case of getting away from infantile behaviour and temper tantrums, or just a substitute for the same albeit with older, and presumably, more mature participants?

The issue in essence goes further than these flippant observation. Being a full-time working mother to three young children certainly presents challenges. How do you ensure that all your offspring are up, washed, dressed, fed and ready to walk out the door by 7.30am every weekday morning? Military regime? Yes, that works. Reward schemes? That too. And let’s be honest here, a lot of shouting by yours truly. I dare anyone not to shout after asking a four year old to “please put your shoes and socks on” for the twelfth time.

What about wraparound care? A case for endless debate. In my view, a blessing. Don’t know where we would be without it. Actually, not true, I do know. At the bank asking for an extended loan repayable in the year 2035 most likely. Do the children feel excluded, unwanted, unloved by being ‘handed over’ to others to look after them? Are you kidding me? More often than not I have to rein them in as we approach the school breakfast club: their eagerness to play with their friends before the school day begins is surprising. As for after-school, if I had a pound for every time I have been scolded by my eldest (now six and a half) for coming to collect him too early, that fictitious loan from the bank would probably be in credit. Much the same goes for the youngest, if I collect him from nursery before 6pm.

My point is this. I love working. I enjoy my job: it is challenging, rewarding and the people with whom I spend my working hours are (on the whole…there are exceptions) talented individuals. Would I feel as rewarded, if I had opted to be a stay-at-home mum? Possibly. I may never know. I do know that the times when I have had to remain on home premises–sickness, redundancy, gardening leave (wonderful term that), maternity–I have loved looking after my children, but in small doses. There are only so many drawings you can do, books you can read, trips you can make before repetition sets in, and I start to look at the clock wondering, “Hmmm, how long to dinner, bath and bed time?”

Does this make me a bad mother? I hope not. The children are well-balanced, happy, and healthy. They are great companions and curious about the world around them. Their social skills are good enough that we have never had to take them back to a restaurant to apologise, and they are much coveted as ‘play mates’ by their peers. So, something tells me, I have got it right.

A more pressing factor however – in case it was not obvious – is that I have to work. Living in London and opting for a certain level of lifestyle (nothing lavish, the occasional trip to cinema is about as exciting as it gets) means that surviving on one income alone is simply not viable. Even if we were not paying for childcare, which, let’s face it, is extortionate at any rate. A single income would mean a lot of cutbacks.

Quite frankly, I am not sure whether my other half would actually appreciate me giving up work. Coming home to a whining wife complaining about the latest child development intricacies she has had to deal with like wrestling the remote control off one of them, the increasing cost of fruit and veg, and the latest gossip from the school playground drop-off/pick up, and other shenanigans, would probably tip him over the edge. It’s bad enough having to deal with my nagging (at least, I admit it) without asking him to put up with a bored wife.

For it is my firm belief that I would be just that: bored. Although there have been studies galore about the pros and cons of working mothers versus those who opt to stay at home and bring their children up, I am yet to find one that truly asks the working mums what they want and prefer. Those that choose to work, I mean. It is easy to point the finger, and say, “an unbalanced child is the result of insufficient parent care/love/attention (delete as appropriate), but when I drop the kids off in the mornings, I do so in the knowledge that the people who are looking after them are far more capable of balancing tolerance (of children’s antics) and entertainment (learning through play) for extended periods than I would be on my own. And at any rate, they certainly do not yell as much as I do.

I am, undoubtedly, also influenced by what I see around me. A number of girlfriends have given up careers – some left very promising and rewarding jobs – to dedicate themselves to bringing up their children. Many are very happy with their choice, but there are exceptions, and these are what I seem to take note of. One girlfriend now bemoans no longer having a job and after some ten years out of the workforce is torn between going back to college to retrain for something else, or trying to find a part-time position that still satisfies her ‘career aspirations.’ The latter is unachievable in today’s marketplace, she worked in the City, and the former is a demand too far on her precious time. She is fortunate to be in a position where a second salary is not a pre-requisite to maintaining their lifestyle–although she does admit that she misses not having an income of her own.

Another wife of a colleague gave up everything to focus on the family. Some twenty years on, she has settled with a younger man after five years of surviving on uppers and downers to get through everyday life, and coming to terms with the children leaving home. A rather drastic example, perhaps, but my point is that beyond her circle of focus, she had nothing else to fall back on.

So is my attitude selfish? Possibly. Is it healthy? Let’s put it this way, it keeps me sane. Will I feel, in later life, that I have missed out on the formative years of my children’s lives? Excuse me? What about weekends and holidays? Do these not count? I think there is only so much you can give up to raise your children to the best of your abilities, and surely, it often boils down to quality of time together not just quantity.

For me, giving up full time work is certainly not an option I am willing to consider. At least not for the time being.